Found out I was pregnant the day I intended to break up with my boyfriend. Have emotionally clocked out.

[Conflicted] I've been in a relationship for the past six and a half years, and my boyfriend and I just had our first (and only) child a few months ago. On the surface, we look like a pretty well put together couple; we have a nice apartment, a couple pets, our families get along great, yadda yadda.

In truth, I haven't been happy in this relationship for a long time. I met my boyfriend during a time in my life where I was undergoing a rather dramatic transformation (from drug addict headcase on welfare to a Somewhat Normal Person) and so I was one hundred percent transparent with him right from the start about the problems I had, and what I needed from a partner if I was going to be in a relationship. Specifically, I needed someone with a  lot  of patience, empathy, and understanding. If not, I'd rather just be single. He agreed rather enthusiastically and still indicated that he wanted to pursue a relationship with me.

Now, fast forward a bit... we've been living together for a few years now. I have been sober the entire time, and I've gotten into the greatest shape of my life. I have managed to start building an awesome career that will eventually allow me to work from home and make a comfortable living. You could say things are going well... except for our relationship.

My boyfriend simply isn't the person he made himself out to be when we first began dating. It's as if he went over the top in trying to pretend he was my dream guy - he carried books around with him and pretended to be into reading (in truth, he hasn't read anything of substance outside of an academic setting and doesn't care to). He talked himself up as a music fan, and yet he never seemed to have an ounce of interest in hearing anything I liked, nor did he ever seem keen on sharing much with me outside of a few Skrillex remixes he found online. Implied that he played guitar when we first met... I found out a few months later (he never seemed to be "in the mood to play" when I came over) that he didn't actually play more than a few basic chords, he just bought a nice Stratocaster because he wanted to have one. Things like that. After the first year and a half or so, he dropped it all and stopped pretending... unfortunately, by then, I had become quite attached to him.

Nowadays, he is completely unwilling to communicate and picks fights over ridiculous things. He's proven himself unable to keep a stable career. He criticizes my fashion choices, haircuts, and body. He interrupts me when I'm talking and dismisses every opinion I have, which makes me feel as if he doesn't respect me. And, possibly worst of all, I've caught him with Bumble downloaded on his phone  (he was just curious about it, apparently, but never created an account. Right.)  as well as pictures of one of his female friends in her underwear  ("She's just showing me progress pics from her fitness journey". K.)  I have called him out on all of these things, but they  keep happening.

Throughout all of this, it occurs to me that he's never once told me he loves me, despite the fact that I do love him and have told him so more than once. During one of our fights, I ask him to be honest with me and tell me how he really feels about me. He says  he doesn't know.

I am not someone who expects lavish amounts of romantic frilly bullshit in a relationship, and I am not a materialistic person. I have told him numerous times that all I'd really want from him - whether it be for Christmas, a birthday, Valentine's Day, whatever - is a card with his true feelings written inside. He's gotten me cards, but never with anything of substance written in them. I realize it isn't easy for some people to say  I love you, but after  six and a half years , you should be able to say it at least once if it's true, especially if you know it's important to your partner.

Anyway, I had decided early last year that enough was enough, and started trying to plan my exit. What would I say? How would we separate after all this time together - would I keep the apartment and he'd move, or...? The decision to end things was a painful one, but I genuinely believed it was for the best. I just needed to find the right moment to tell him.

One Friday afternoon, we were out running some errands and I suddenly became nauseated. Pregnancy isn't the first thing that occurred to me, since our sex life was minimal and we always used protection (tbh we're still a little baffled about how it happened, although we assume faulty condom design/application might be the culprit), but it was so completely abnormal that I decided to pick up a pregnancy test from the drugstore while we were out. The subsequent ride home, pee, and wait took an eternity.

Upon seeing the positive result, I started crying hysterically. I figured my partner would suggest an abortion, which - since it was very early on (~3 weeks since conception), didn't necessarily bother me - but when I came out of the bathroom and told him, he reacted with extreme happiness. I knew then that I couldn't get an abortion, and the rest is history.

Our son is now a few months old and I adore him more than anything. Things have not changed between my boyfriend and I. I watch silently as my friends all fall in love, get engaged and married... while I stay loyal to an untrustworthy man who isn't sure how he feels about me, because I am a coward.

I still have an "exit plan" in place... but it's going to have to wait until I can get back to work, save up some money, and become completely self-sufficient - not that I think he'd avoid paying child support, but I don't want to necessarily rely on that.

In short, it might be a few years before I'm able to leave him, and by then I'll be even older and more undesirable than I already am. I feel like I am trapped in this relationship, watching the clock tick down the moments until I can be free.

Ultimately, I'm torn between hating him for wasting so many years of my life... and feeling eternally grateful to him for helping me create our son, even if he and I aren't meant to be together.

I'm sorry for the rant... thanks for listening.