Sometimes I wish I had a different father

My dad and I have a distant relationship. Growing up with him was difficult. He's very sexist and talks about women in a degrading manner. Subconsciously, I grew up to hate men because I thought all guys were like him. According to him, they all were.

My dad made fun of me when I was a little girl. I know he meant it just for fun, but it really hurt my self-esteem. He'd make fun of me constantly, from the way I talked to the way I walked. I remember begging for him to stop. To make matters worse, he encouraged my older brother to make fun of me too. Years later when I told my brother how horrible he was to me as a child, he told me that he learned it from dad. Since we were kids, my dad also talked about women in an objectifying, sexualized manner all the time. Women were & are like objects to him. He tried to control me all throughout my life, commenting on the way I dressed and telling me not to be a slut.. whereas he encouraged my brother to go out & get the girls.

Things got worse after he got remarried when I was a teen. His wife is a really terrible person... I can go on and on about how evil she is. But basically, she's really manipulative & pretended to be my best friend. After she gained my trust, she proceeded to spill my secrets to my dad and even make up stuff that wasn't true. My dad always sided with his wife. I remember my dad telling my brother how important it was for a brother to protect his sister. & how he'd tell me that he'd protect me if anyone hurt me. & yet his actions didn't reflect that belief. Whenever anyone was mean to me, he blamed me or made excuses for the other person. He never protected me, not ONCE.

For example, I worked as a waitress at a restaurant with my dad's former student who was a cook. This dude was verbally abusive to me despite the fact that I always tried to be friendly. The restaurant was busy, and the cook messed up. When I calmly mentioned it to him, he screamed at me and called me a stupid idiot. It made me cry, and I broke down. I told my dad and he said, "he's probably just stressed out & has a lot going on." When I turned to my dad for comfort after my first serious bf cheated on me, my dad said that men naturally cheat & that I probably just didn't maintain his interest.

So sometimes I meet older men that have qualities of what I'd like in a father and wish I had a dad like him. For example, I have this male friend who is about my dad's age. He's attracted to me, but I'm not attracted to older men at all. This friend is sensitive, sweet, considerate, and fun to be around. He's everything I wish I had in a father. He's such a great dad & I envy his daughters when I see how much better he treats them than how my dad treats me. I feel guilty for feeling this way.. But sometimes I wish I had a different father. When I need help with something, I can't turn to my dad without him groaning and getting mad at me. If I ask for help, he'll want something in return. So I always turned to someone else when I needed guidance.

Last father's day, my bro bought my dad a shirt that said "best dad ever" and I couldn't help but think that was not true. In spite of all this messed up stuff, I still love him. He's my dad. But we'll never be close. I just accepted the fact that I'll never have the father daughter relationship that I want.